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if you ever wondered how i made most of my drawings, then i made this video a while ago. sorry for the crappy quality, but my actual camera was having one of those 'i'm not going to work' days so i had to use my old, very inferior camera...







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United Kingdom
:iconemptyspaceplz::iconemptyspaceplz:♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫ there's no life without music ♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫♪♫


"you laugh at me because I am different, but I laugh at you because you are all the same."
:iconemptyspaceplz::iconemptyspaceplz: ♥ ♥ "you were born an original. don't die a copy." ♥ ♥
:iconemptyspaceplz::iconemptyspaceplz::iconemptyspaceplz::iconemptyspaceplz::damphyr: i fall in reverse

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:iconemptyspaceplz::bulletblack: :bulletwhite: :bulletred: :bulletwhite: :bulletblack: session musician :bulletblack: :bulletwhite: :bulletred: novelist :bulletred: :bulletwhite: :bulletblack: illustrator :bulletblack: :bulletwhite: :bulletred: :bulletwhite: :bulletblack:

i'm no different from you. i eat, sleep, think, dream, laugh, love and cry. i'm just a confused person trying to make sense of the big wide world.


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I love black stamp by violetsteelI love white stamp by violetsteelI love red stamp by violetsteelRAINBOW by Haters-Gonna-Hate-Me.: Read the comments :. Stamp by Beti-KotTobuscus Intro Stamp by sugarpoultryI don't know you enough. by PrincessFlawMusic is my lifeline by pjukI like snow by IshdakittyChocolate... by prosaixSuperpowers by prosaixAlways tired... by prosaixCan see you... by prosaixI luff cheese by prosaixWriter by Shadowed-MidnightLord of the rings stamp by vero-g6-stamps:thumb163650522:

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red rain

Journal Entry: Fri Mar 29, 2013, 9:55 AM
i recently saw someone get hit by a train. i watched the blood flow sideways down the windows like rain. i was sat near the front of the first carriage and i doubt that i would have noticed anything if i had sat further back. and yet i saw the scene from a distance, separated from myself in an act of preservative self consciousness. but for the train driver, i can't even begin to imagine what it must have been like.

apparently the average train driver will hit at least two people in their working lives. it can take around a mile for a passenger train to stop once it's at full speed, and over 2 miles for a full freight train, so there is no chance of not hitting a person on the tracks when they come into view. which is, i guess, why some people choose this method of ending their lives.

my friend sarah killed herself alone, in her room, at night. watching the red rain while waiting for the rescue train i thought about her. when i heard, i was on edge constantly and would cry at the littlest of things, sat in bed or at my desk, where i pushed words and ink around a page because it was the only thing i felt i still knew how to do. I believed i grieved her well; but the guilt and questions about her death will never go away completely.

my guilt takes an insidious, probing form. i castigate myself for not returning her calls; for the way my thoughts drifted when she launched into one of her long diatribes; for not doing enough to help her self confidence. i feel i withheld attention, which is the same thing as kindness in the end. i want to be able to unwind the past and show her all the love we had for her - still have for her.

over a year later, regret and guilt still sit inside me, squat monsters never fully vanquished. only at night can they be skivvied away. i dream that i could find a way to save her. i hear her voice and feel her as real to my touch as when she was alive. then i can take her hand and, like orpheus, lead her to safety, from some unnamed place of dread. but i wake to loss, and a wasteland of sadness.

we believe we know how and why people die. we believe why and how are much the same. "she had cancer", we say, or "he had a heart attack". we do not torment ourselves over any deeper causes of such deaths, but allow science to draw a line under our imaginings. but with suicide the two questions are starkly separated out. how someone kills themselves is often horrible obvious. at the wake after sarah's funeral, people asked "why did she do it?"

along with guilt, the question of 'why' can haunt relatives and friends of those who kill themselves. suicide is often an impulsive act, particularly when young people kill themselves, and mourners are left without an explanation. i do not believe that sarah acted impulsively. she planned her death with characteristic meticulous care and made no mistake about it. though there were, in retrospect, things that had been troubling her. to cast about for an answer or a neat set of motives is futile. uncertainty remains and must be accepted. sarah had her reasons; and she took them with her.

when people find out that sarah killed herself, i see horror cross their faces before compassion. "what can i say?" "how can i talk about it?" these are the questions that float around in the air between us. after her death, someone said "i can think of nothing to say, as there is nothing good that can be said." for that person, at that moment there wasn't.

i think now that though there may be nothing good to say about suicide, there may be some good in talking about it. as well as tragedy, suicide is still a taboo and we need to find ways to talk about it. we also need to find ways to give dignity to those who kill themselves, to allow them their choice at that moment.

we try not to think about death. most of the time modern life tries to live beyond its shadow. few of us will see a dead body until our own parents die, many of us not even then. suicide throws us unwillingly, often unexpectedly and sometimes violently, into hat dark place.

suicide is a taboo by virtue of its history: it was condemned by all the abrahamic religions. it was a crime, a matter of shame and social ostracism. it continues to be a taboo because of it's association with mental illness. most of us can not imagine how the death wish could override the instinct for life.

how then, to speak of suicide at all? i say sarah killed herself; it is the simplest description i can find. i want to avoid the phrase 'commit suicide' since it is no longer a crime. 'take one's own life' is, for me, meaningless. what, when we have found the words, can we say about suicide that will begin to break the taboo that surrounds it? it is more common than we care to think - it accounts for ~1.5% of all deaths. suicide is not just an act committed by the young and gifted like kurt cobain and heath leger. most of those who kill themselves are as ordinary as you and me.

sarah was one of those ordinary people. though she had bi-polar disorder, she had given no indications of her intentions. after her death, i came to feel that talking about suicide with people might have made her own death less likely. had we spoken of the devastation suicide brings, might she not have remembered that at the moment she decided on her own destruction? i will never know. such thoughts are pointless.

let us be careful not to lump all suicides together. every case is different, with a host of different motives. those who survive suicide attempts are often grateful, and if they are young, go on to live happy lives that they relish and cherish. but for the old and sick it may be different. so let us also try to find a way to give dignity to those who chose to die; to bring them back into our world, and to break the  taboo that still surrounds them.

my thoughts now drift back the the j. doe who stood in front of my train that morning. what kind of life did they have and what drove them to end it?

:damphyr: amon

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